What am I doing here in Cyberspace?

As my first blog entry I'm not quite sure how to start. Do I begin with introductions? Explain my motivations for sharing my thoughts and feelings online with strangers? Or do I just get on with it?

Well as for my first query, see the C'est Moi passage elsewhere on the page. I don't wish to say too much about who I am due to the nature of my employment. I want to remain as anonymous as possible and hopefully a good deal of my personality will come out in what I write.

Motivations? There are a couple of reasons for me doing this but primarily I enjoy writing. I find that writing is therapeutic and noting things down does help to make sense of a lot of the squished up thoughts and feelings, that feel a bit trapped inside my brain. It doesn't always make them go away but it does act as an outlet for things that I may not feel comfortable sharing with my friends, or, more likely, have bored them with numerous times already.

So I guess that leaves getting on with it.

I mentioned the squishy up thoughts in my head. Well there seems to be quite a few of them bad boys flying around at the minute. I think I'm going through one of them transitional times. Bit of a cliche really what with the whole turning 30 thing, but they do say a cliche is only a cliche because it stems from the truth.

Turning 30 wasn't the trauma I was anticipating. Given that I spend nearly every birthday as an emotional wreck, tears are guaranteed at some point during the course of the day either first thing in the morning or in the corner of the dancefloor after mixing far too many drinks, I did expect my 30th to be more hideous than usual. As were my friends. Instead it passed in a flurry of home made cocktails, an abundance of quiche, Dr Who masks, model hippos, dancing on stools, taking a shower in my clothes whilst copping off with some former shag and drinking Cherry Lambrini until 11am. All in all my birthday celebrations were what I would classify as a success.
The reflection and self analysis seems to have come afterwards, and with this reflection my sex life seems to have gone on a retreat to make room.

Up until recently I would consider myself as highly sexed. I enjoy one night stands and casual arrangements and rarely become involved in relationships. This is because I'm terribly fussy, terribly busy and terribly scared. Oh and I'm also not willing to waste my time and effort negotiating what little free time I have, on someone who I deem to be only mediocre, when I'd rather be with my friends or possibly a stranger. Mind, when I go, and by go I mean fall in love, I go big style. Anyhow, since the end of March my sex life has consisted of a few sloppy, drunken kisses in a club, a fumble with a 22 year old and offers of casual sex from several guys, including one, who I know from previous encounters, is a fantastically filthy shag. Even in my most drunken states I've had no interest in entertaining any of these booty calls or taking anyone home.

I've been telling myself that I've had enough of casual sex and drunken encounters that I can barely remember. That its time I had some more respect for myself and consider looking for a relationship, replacing infrequent, but exciting sex, for readily available action with the added bonus of me actually liking the person I'm with and not being anxious to see them out of the front door the following morning. However, as I mentioned before, I am incredibly hesitant to get into anything that even slightly edges towards commitment and so I am finding this terribly confusing. My promiscuous nature and high sex drive forge part of my identity (to be fair my sex drive hasn't gone anywhere I'm just having to deal with it in different ways), without this need to pull randoms and being able to regale my friends with tales of my misadventures, I'm feeling just a little bit lost.